the rescuer called an hour ago. it feels like eternity since then. i haven't stopped crying, and i haven't stopped blaming myself.
here's what happened.
yesterday, after getting home at about 4pm, i opened the windows slightly to let the stale air out. i had some food, did some work, and went into my room, as usual. then at 7:59pm, i heard my phone ring, so i went out of my room to check who it was. he was hanging around my phone then, sniffing it and playing with basically anything that he could find. i remember picking him up and carrying him like a baby and kissing him, then telling him he smelled like fish, then cleaning his nose. the last thing i said to my kitten was that he smelled like fish. how predictable.
at about 10pm, i come out of my room to go to the toilet. he is nowhere to be found. i see that the windows were opened larger than usual, and the worst thought came to mind. couldn't be, i thought. but it could.
the rescuer said that a resident saw him and called the town council to complain, after which the town council called her. she received the call at 8:40pm, which means he jumped not long after i went back into the room at 8pm.
what if i hadn't opened the windows so wide?
what if i had just brought him into the room with me at 8pm?
what if i had never adopted him?
what if...
this is my fault, no matter what anyone else says. it is my fault. it was my negligence, and my oversight, that allowed my kitten to jump to his death. it will never be not my fault. his death is on me. i killed him.
the rescuer said they tried to rush him to the vet, but he died along the way. so after he fell, he was in pain. in so much pain, for so long. and i guess the ironic thing is that during that time, i was watching the last episode of 13 reasons why, when hannah baker kills herself. the irony is laughable. it is a joke.
i'm in shock, and everything around me is unreal. will i ever get through this? i shouldn't be allowed to.
i'm so sorry. i'm sorry for adopting you, i'm sorry for not taking good care of you, and i'm sorry for causing you so much pain.
thank you for the memories. you made me so very happy in the short time that i had you. i will miss you dearly.
