last night,

i thought a lot. i mean, i usually think a lot (i think i do anyway), but last night was a different kind of thinking. i'm not quite sure how to put it into words, but there was revelation last night, as well as conviction. it's been a long time since i last thought about things so earnestly and sincerely and meaningfully, and im glad i was able to, and that i did.

it will be a true faith journey starting now. i'm not expecting it to be easy, and i've had to make some very, very difficult and tough decisions to consciously let go of the things that are standing in my way of developing my relationship with the Lord, and i'm also pretty sure that there will come that time when i'm faced with the temptation to give up, and just take the easy way out. this may also result in me feeling this entire thing is meaningless, and just stop halfway. i can't say that these definitely won't happen. and i cannot say i know that the Lord will definitely be there beside me to help me out and everything, because there may come the moment when i doubt, and start to question excessively, and with my already lack of faith, i don't know how i will come to terms with that.

in fact, i don't even know how things will turn out. and i will be honest and say that i'm extremely apprehensive at this stage in whether or not i will be able to press on. but i suppose part of the reason that God has called me to making this decision is to increase my faith. so knowing that there may be a chance i may turn away, i'm gonna consciously try and increase my faith, put it in the Lord, and let Him deal with it.

last night was a terrible night emotionally. but at the same time it also helped me realise 1) how little faith i have, 2) how i'm really not what i think i am, and 3) how i've been asking the wrong questions. i don't know if it was due to the lack of sleep, or the amount of teaching that i had to do during cell, or the news that i received after cell, (perhaps a combination or culmination of all 3?) but it was the first time i felt tired in this way. really drained and helpless. and i guess this is probably what nic means when he says that he tires himself out so that he has to rely on God rather than himself. i could identify with it (not saying i endorse it though), and i guess i do need to be more emphathising and compassionate. try to put myself in the other person's shoes and try to understand from their perspective. i used to be able to do this. to be able to really understand and also give allowance for the opinions and behaviours of other people. i wonder when i started to become so critical and disapproving.

anyhow, i've still got a few issues i need to settle before next month. more decisions to make, more to pray and think about, and lots of heart preparation as well. i don't know if i'm making too a big a deal out of this, but it's a major struggle for me. but well, i've committed it fully to the Lord, and i'm just going to listen out for Him, and allow Him to use me.

it's gonna be a wild ride.