Pandemonium in the Mind

5 May 2015

Transiting in Hong Kong now, and I thought I might use the waiting time wisely. i wasn’t intending to keep a travelogue for this Japan grad trip. I was just going to physically write in my journal, but not actually post anything substantial online, other than photos. But two people have asked whether I was going to keep a travel blog, and I suppose for this trip, it’s worth the effort, so I figured, why not? And I have decided I will actually put some thought into it, although whether I actually achieve this to the end remains a question mark. Not everything may be directly relevant to the trip itself though. I predict many of the entries will be reflections on uni life (this is a grad trip after all), and musings about the future as well. I personally find it quite a pain to upload and organise photos, but we will see how that goes. 

I’ve become increasingly hesitant about posting thoughts online, and I cringe when I read some of my previous entries. it’s incredibly attention seeking, isn’t it. Sure, it could be self-reflection or for posterity reasons, but I believe that in crafting an online post, on whichever social media platform, with the knowledge that others will view it comes the desire to impress, to project yourself as a particular type of person (though this is not to say that the two are mutually exclusive). As I'm writing this now, part of me wants the reader (presuming there are any) to come to the conclusion that I am at least in part, if not very, intellectual and self-reflexive. 

It’s quite terrifying and extremely vulnerable, I think, to post (intellectual) material online, be it in the form of text or photos. When you journal privately, you can write anything you want in any way you want, because no one else is going to read it. But when textual material is posted online or on a public platform, it is going to be subject to scrutiny and judgment by others. I feel it takes great courage (or perhaps a great deal of self-confidence which needs to be inherently present) for a person to consider their work good, and therefore share it with everyone else. I’m far from being a good writer; my thoughts are frequently disorganised, and unfortunately, most of what I deem to be my most interesting thoughts develop in the most random of places, and I often fail to note them down. Nonetheless, I do enjoy leisure writing, because it makes me uncomfortable, as I face the chaos of my mind and my inability to express myself as well as I desire to. When writing, I find that I have to face myself in the most honest and vulnerable ways possible, and I do rather hate that because it makes me so vulnerable (even to myself), though I recognise the value in it. I will perhaps never be an outstanding writer, and I will perhaps always have in my heart that desire to be able to use the English Language in a more profound and sophisticated way, yet never be able to achieve that. But i am also aware that I don’t desire that ability enough to want to work extremely hard at it. So, I settle.

This horrible disorganised flow of thought is truly reflective of my current sleep-deprived state of mind. I will continue this perhaps later, after spending my first day in Japan catching up on sleep.