[rant]

i dont get why you must always do things like this to me. you give me a glimpse of hope, and then take it away, leaving me hanging there, confused and unsure of what to do. i dont know why i am so disturbed by this honestly. i mean, i should have the faith to believe that our friendship is strong, but right now at this point, im just doubting everything about you. i dont know why. im just so confused. i wish i could find an answer to who you really are. everything i see reminds me of you, and those arent just lyrics. im highly irritated right now. i dont know what you think of me, how you see me, how you feel bout me or anything. you leave me with that insecurity when im not talking to you, yet i dont want to get too close to you. do you always do this to other people? or maybe its just me. maybe you find amusement in seeing me confused, insecure, lost. you sadist.

i really want to believe we arent drifting but it seems impossible to feel that way when im not talking to you. i wish i didnt know you so well, somehow. maybe then i wouldnt have fallen so deep into the pits. maybe then i wouldnt have been so involved. maybe then I WOULDNT ACTUALLY BE FEELING THIS WAY. it really hurts. it hurts the way your attitude towards me can change so much in such a short period of time. you care so much about me one moment, and the next you are completely unhelpful. i know i have hurt you before and im sorry, but right now, the very torture you are putting me through. i dont even know if you realise it or not. i want to be confident we are good friends, yet there is this tugging inside of me telling me not to be a bother. i have never felt this way towards anyone else before. i dont know how strong our friendship is. i dont know how strong our bonds are. we're like. so close. yet so far. i dont know. it sounds really cliche, but yeah. thats the way im feeling right now. its such a contradiction. i want you to leave yet im scared of losing you. tell me what to do, wont you?

im so sick and tired of superficial friendships right now. i want to be certain that our friendship isnt one like that. but i cannot be 100% sure. because everytime after i confide in you, i feel as though i have bothered you so much. i feel as though you find me such a nuisance. i feel as though you're so sick of me. and im scared. because i dont wish to be a bother to anyone. and you just dont tell me to stop. at all. you just let me go on. you let me annoy you, irritate you, bother you. and i dont know how you feel. you're so well masked up. thats why i dont want to get so close. but somehow you make me want to get to know you. its. i dont know. i just really want to cry now. but i dont want to cry over you. i dont want to cry over this. because i dont know if it is worth crying over or not.

i try my best to be there for you. but sometimes it really is difficult to talk to you because your response makes me unsure of whether you are pissed off at me or not. if you are, fine, ill stop bothering you. i havent really got anyone else to talk to anyway, and im fine with that. maybe if i didnt know you at all, it would be best. maybe we should just keep away from each other for a little while. you're just so distracting. i really wanna focus on my studies at this point of time. i need to refrain for a bit. maybe you'd leave me alone for awhile.

im really really grateful for everything that you've done for me and im also thankful for what we have gone through together. you truly are an amazing person. but maybe both of us just need a breather. we need a break from each other. i dont want you to get sick and annoyed of me and i dont wanna be distracted by having you on my mind all day long. its tiring you know. thank you for being there for me all this while. you've really helped me grow and discover myself in many ways. but now i need to be independent and learn to do that by myself. and in doing so, i hope i can find out who you really are as well.

thank you.

[/rant]

hmm. emoness. pffffft.

yday's pictures on thiam's blog.

Ghost of You - Good Charlotte

And I will wait until the end
When the pendulum will swing back to the
Darker side of our hearts bleeding

I will save this empty space
Next to me like it's a grave
Where I lay a place for us to sleep eternally together

I have been
Searching for
Traces of
What we were

A ghost of you is all that I have left
It's all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
And nothing left of what we were at all

Here I am
Pacing around this house again
With pictures of us living on these walls

I see my breath in the cold of the air that I breathe and I'm wondering
I'm wondering if it's you that I feel
If it's you that I feel here haunting me forever

I have been
Searching for
Traces of
What we were

A ghost of you is all that I have left
It's all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
And nothing left of what we were at all

And I'm not looking for anything but us
Anything but what we were
And I'm not asking for painted memories
I only want to know you're here

A ghost of you is all that I have left
It's all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
And nothing left of what we were at all

A ghost of you is all that I have left
It's all that I have left of you to hold
I wake in the night to find there's no one there but me
And nothing left of what we were at all