idkwtd

it's been tough, and it's been a struggle.

i've reflected so much the past few days that i think there's nothing left in me anymore.

but that's where i know Jesus will come in and life my life again.

the past two days of devotional christian have been nothing short of apt.

6 July 2011 - In the midst of wolves, what does it mean to live as Jesus did?

7 July 2011 - I hate goodbyes

and even as i reminisced about the past and visited some of the old blogs (yes i cleaned up quite a bit), i realised that i wasnt the only struggling with my faith. so many of my friends are. and even people who i think are strong in their faith, they struggle too. and ive learnt that in life, you will never, ever stop struggling. you will always struggle with something. because its only through your struggles that you see Jesus. if life were perfect, Jesus would be pointless.

for he did not come to save the healthy but to heal the sick.

ive been crying a bit (too much) over the past few days as well. not being able to sleep, having no appetite, and just no mood to do anything. putting up a front so i dont disrupt the people around me. but i know that all this will be over soon. and everything will be ok in the end.

go ahead, cry. let your tears wash your eyes so you will see Jesus more clearly.

when i saw my classmates yesterday at the wake, i felt really so discouraged. some of them are christians, others not. but i felt so alone. i felt that God wasn't there at all. christians who swear, christians who smoke, christians who dont care about their faith. and i really felt so stumbled, because for someone who i believed was strong about his faith, i felt that he was such a hypocrite. the 1 year doing bible study with him, seems so wasted. i feel so cheated.

but even as i felt all of these negative emotions, i thought, are these a reflection of what i am like to others? do others feel disgusted and turned off by my behaviour and words too? am i a hypocrite to them?

Matthew 7
3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

yesterday also reminded me of something that i've been saying, but never understood the true meaning of.

"but you keep turning to these empty wells whenever you're angry, whenever you're hurting, whenever you're lonely and tired, but they do not work." - God's Chisel

and suddenly the truth pours out to me. how often do we turn to distractions to numb or distract ourselves from the pain and the guilt we feel in our lives? but how much does God want us to turn to him? why do we always have the tendency to choose the harder and more painful route, than the easier and more peaceful way?

we are ultimately all God's creation, and he loves us and wants so much to fellowship with us. when will we stop pushing him away and turn back to him?

"you are my original masterpiece. you are one of my workmanship. in you i find favour." - God's Chisel

remember, kat, that life without Jesus is like a donut (the traditional kind), where there's a hole in the center of your heart.

on a much much lighter note, transformers 3 in 3d with the family tonight! i'm quite excited, and i'll be all ready to make another post on lj after tonight!