Unexpected turns

8 May 2015

There's a beef festival going on at the park near the apartment I'm staying at. It's quite exciting; beef from different parts of Japan is brought in and people can try.

I've walked past this festival for so many days, and although I intended to have either Santouka or Menya Musashi for brunch, in the moment I changed my mind and eventually decided to give it a shot.

Kagoshima gyudon. It was delicious, even the onions!

From Shinjuku, I actually planned to take the train down to Shibuya, but again, I changed my mind in on the spot, and somehow ended up walking to Yoyogi park. 

It was a relatively unexciting walk, but it was beautiful. I've come to learn that I don't think that much  (or at all) when I'm walking, unless I'm walking with people. 

Meiji Shrine

I didn't do a lot today, because I ended up in a cafe and writing up the previous entry. But when I was done, I decided to look for food before heading back, and I found this okonomiyaki place online. I was hesitant at first, because there's this image in my head that okonomiyaki has to be eaten with people, because it's more fun that way, and people will judge you for eating it alone. But, well, it's not like I was going to have anyone else to ever eat it with me on this trip, so I decided to just go.

Turns out, it wasn't such a bad experience. Maybe because the place was still relatively empty; it was like 4pm when I went. But there was something enjoyable about experiencing it alone.

And again, it was delicious. I couldn't flip the pancake all at once, so I cut it into quarters. Looks terrible, but it was delicious. It was a huge portion, and I struggled to finish it. My only gripe was that by the time I was halfway done, bits of the bottom of the other half started getting burnt (because it was on the hot plate for too long). Maybe okonomiyaki is meant to be eaten with friends after all, but for practical taste reasons rather than for social reasons.

Colourful lights

7 May 2015

It was a cold, drizzly morning, and all I wanted to do was sleep, but I had decided the previous night that I was going to have Ichiran Ramen for breakfast (since this was the only thing open at 930am). This is the Shinjuku outlet and it's an underground one, next to Ootoya.

Self-service vending machine. This is seriously the most efficient way of ordering food. It's brilliant. You save so much time and effort, the process is (relatively) simple and straightforward, no fuss, no frills, great. 

Ichiran is amazing for lone(rs) diners because it's all individual seats, and there are even boards on either side of you to prevent (?!) you from conversing with your neighbour. Maybe they want you to focus on your food. It is a little claustrophobic though.

You don't get to see anybody else's faces in this shop (unless you're walking in/out as someone else is doing the opposite). The restaurant staff's faces are blocked by the board, and they just speak to you from behind. It's a really, really strange concept. Good for shy people, perhaps?

You customise your order, pass the chit and your order ticket to the staff, and wait for goodness to appear.

After they serve you, they lower the bamboo blinds so you're really eating completely by yourself. Very considerate, but a little bit lonely.

Anyway, this was pretty amazing. I was wondering why it didn't look as appetising, and I realised it's because I ordered without spring onions, so it looks unexciting and plain. BUT the taste is really something different.

The broth is sweet and salty and spicy and creamy all at the same time. How is that possible! And it tastes like they included egg yolks into the broth kind of creamy. It was really quite good. I would happily return for another round of lonesome eating. One thing about eating ramen though: you're encouraged to slurp because it supposedly enhances the flavour (this is really true; slurping makes a world of difference) but that also means that you consume a lot of air. Which is not the best thing when you need to release it somehow somewhere (oops).

Decided to make a trip to Odaiba today. Was initially a bit worried because it drizzled in the morning, but the day turned out really hot. I even got slightly burnt. There's this huuuuge Gundam larger-than-life-size figurine in front of one of the malls. He looks pretty heroic.

The detail to every part of the figurine is amazing.

I've been trying to take photos of people recently, but it's quite challenging, especially because there's the chance that people get offended or something.

There is a takoyaki museum, which sounds ridiculous, and it kind of is. But, well, rather than a museum, it's really just a lot (there were 5-6 I think) of takoyaki shops together, and you can take your pick, and there are apparently different types (like soup takoyaki). I didn't eat any because I wasn't hungry. I was quite amused though.

Odaiba has a rather futuristic feel to it. I mean, look at this beast which is supposed to be a ferry. The doors open upwards, like those you see in sci-fi movies. 

Lots of highways and expressways which just feels futuristic for some reason (media constructions!).

This is a huuuuuuge bridge, called the big bridge of dreams. It felt like forever walking from one end of it to the other.

They have a lot of bridges in Japan. This is the Rainbow Bridge, which connects Odaiba to Tokyo. It is supposed to be quite romantic at night because it lights up and all. But I didn't stay until nightfall, so I wouldn't know. 

As I sat across the Rainbow Bridge, gazing at the landscape, both natural and man made, I am reminded of why I love the ocean and seasides and beaches. The sickly salty smell of saltwater is almost nauseating, but in a comforting, nostalgic sort of way.

The question I sometimes ask people is, are you a mountain person or a sea person? I struggle with being able to choose one. I love mountains, I love hiking, and I love the cold, crisp, fresh air you get on a mountain. Mountains also give you great views of the world beneath. But oceans and seas. They are limitless. Endless. Powerful. It's scary to get lost in a forest atop a mountain, but it's worse, I think, to be lost out at sea. But I love both. And I choose both.

For some reason, we like to think in binaries. I don't know if it's something inherent, or learnt, but it is limiting sometimes, isn't it. Much as I try not to see the world dichotomously, it seems to backfire, and I end up in yet another dichotomy: either the issue is dichotomous, or it is along a continuum. Are there no other ways of thinking. Maybe there are, but not orderly.

I walked the entire day, and my legs were super aching, so I went hunting for somewhere to rest. I found a Calbee+ shop, so I decided to have a snack, having read about this potato chips and royce chocolate sauce thing. It was pretty good. But although my chips were warm, I felt they weren't quite warm enough. But it was still a good snack.

Decided to go to Harajuku for a bit, to find crepe. This is a relatively tame Takeshita Dori on a weekday. 

Supposedly one of the best crepe shops around; crepes range from 350ish onwards, savoury and more elaborate ones most more than 500.

This is the other supposedly best crepe shop around (on par with Marion Crepes) which is directly opposite its competitor. I wonder if the employees are friends. I decided to have Angel's Heart because there was no queue, and it was just slightly cheaper.

So this is the much hyped-about Japanese crepe, chocolate whipped cream flavour. And now I understand why the hype. The crepe is really cooked to the perfect texture, and when you chew it, the outermost layer of the crepe is slightly crispy, and retains that crispiness, so you don't get a soggy crepe even towards the end. That texture was fun and pretty incredible. There are also white chocolate shavings towards the end. Every bite was a step towards diabetes. I would eat it again, but I  wouldn't queue for it.

And after the potato chips and the crepe, all the walking in the earlier part of the day was for naught.

I headed back quite early, because I was so tired for some reason. My travelling stamina thus far has not been well. I suspect it's partly because a lot of the streets are very cramped and have extreme bright and colourful lights that are over-stimulating. It takes so much energy and effort to process everything visually and mentally. 

I met this guy on the way back! Really friendly, approached me, but ran away when 2 dogs came. 

And then I spotted another! Two cats in a day; such luck! This one approached me as well, but it seemed to have something funny with its left eye. It was friendly with dogs though. Very cute.

Development vs Nature

6 May 2015

This is the view from the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building. It is the Observatory on the 45th floor, and the lift goes from L1 to L45 in supposedly 55 seconds. Impressive. Most importantly, it's free.

Tokyo is incredibly densely built, to a point where it's reaching uncomfortable (for me). I can look into the neighbours' apartments, and they mine, so I just constantly have the curtains drawn.

A nice touch that I personally really appreciate is that they have a smattering of greenery in different parts of the city. London was similar; there were parks of varying sizes at different areas of the city,  which provided good refuge and retreat once in a while.

I was in this park on my second day, cutting through it to get to the train station, and there was a family there. The dad was teaching his son how to throw a baseball, while the mum looked on. A sight I will possibly never get in Singapore.

There's a shrine in the same park as well, and I read some of the writings on the plates. Many of the wishes included health and success, and especially for family members.

There's a term in Japanese (素直) which loosely translates to frank and straightforward. If everyone could be more of that, like how these prayers were written, we would perhaps have a lot less mental distress.

Pandemonium in the Mind

5 May 2015

Transiting in Hong Kong now, and I thought I might use the waiting time wisely. i wasn’t intending to keep a travelogue for this Japan grad trip. I was just going to physically write in my journal, but not actually post anything substantial online, other than photos. But two people have asked whether I was going to keep a travel blog, and I suppose for this trip, it’s worth the effort, so I figured, why not? And I have decided I will actually put some thought into it, although whether I actually achieve this to the end remains a question mark. Not everything may be directly relevant to the trip itself though. I predict many of the entries will be reflections on uni life (this is a grad trip after all), and musings about the future as well. I personally find it quite a pain to upload and organise photos, but we will see how that goes. 

I’ve become increasingly hesitant about posting thoughts online, and I cringe when I read some of my previous entries. it’s incredibly attention seeking, isn’t it. Sure, it could be self-reflection or for posterity reasons, but I believe that in crafting an online post, on whichever social media platform, with the knowledge that others will view it comes the desire to impress, to project yourself as a particular type of person (though this is not to say that the two are mutually exclusive). As I'm writing this now, part of me wants the reader (presuming there are any) to come to the conclusion that I am at least in part, if not very, intellectual and self-reflexive. 

It’s quite terrifying and extremely vulnerable, I think, to post (intellectual) material online, be it in the form of text or photos. When you journal privately, you can write anything you want in any way you want, because no one else is going to read it. But when textual material is posted online or on a public platform, it is going to be subject to scrutiny and judgment by others. I feel it takes great courage (or perhaps a great deal of self-confidence which needs to be inherently present) for a person to consider their work good, and therefore share it with everyone else. I’m far from being a good writer; my thoughts are frequently disorganised, and unfortunately, most of what I deem to be my most interesting thoughts develop in the most random of places, and I often fail to note them down. Nonetheless, I do enjoy leisure writing, because it makes me uncomfortable, as I face the chaos of my mind and my inability to express myself as well as I desire to. When writing, I find that I have to face myself in the most honest and vulnerable ways possible, and I do rather hate that because it makes me so vulnerable (even to myself), though I recognise the value in it. I will perhaps never be an outstanding writer, and I will perhaps always have in my heart that desire to be able to use the English Language in a more profound and sophisticated way, yet never be able to achieve that. But i am also aware that I don’t desire that ability enough to want to work extremely hard at it. So, I settle.

This horrible disorganised flow of thought is truly reflective of my current sleep-deprived state of mind. I will continue this perhaps later, after spending my first day in Japan catching up on sleep.

when words cannot describe

Death always makes me slow down.

It makes me pause and ponder.

It makes me look and observe.

It makes me think and reflect.

It makes me worry and appreciate.

It makes me cry, but it also brings comfort.

It makes me mourn, but it also makes me celebrate.

It's surreal, but there's nothing more definite than death.

Received really bad and sad news today, and I'm a lot more affected than I should be. But I don't know why. I suppose whenever something bad happens, I'm forced to really just slow down and take account of my life. Usually I can handle it pretty well, but this time I think it's just a build up of everything that has happened in the past week.

Death is something really hard to come to terms with. It's really like, the final stop. The final moment. After someone dies, you never ever get to see that person again. Not physically anyway. It's so hard to cope with it. And memories of that person just kinda, live on. But you're never gonna see him or her again. And then you wonder, what did I do with my time when that person was still around? And then you realise, I need to make use of my time now with whoever who's still around. But over time, you lose steam, and it's back to square one. And perhaps another death occurs, and the cycle repeats.

I don't suppose we will ever learn from this. Death can be so sudden, and it just drives you into a state of shock. There's suddenly this wave of emptiness, and that's that. Until you recover from it. I think this time round, it's really the suddenness that hit me so badly. We just take the people around us for granted so much, and I don't think we realise the extent of it until they're gone. If I think about it now, is there anyone, if he or she died tomorrow, whom I would have been able to let go peacefully because I know that I spent my time with them well on this earth? I can't say for sure. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to.

It's a really lonely night tonight.

it's been awhile

Prompted to blog today. Possibly because I have to start a new blog for one of the modules this semester, so while I'm at it, I'm gonna try sneaking some thoughts in (or maybe because of a comment someone made O:).

Thinking a little about perceptions today.

From varying viewpoints. What you think of others, what others think of you, and what happens when you find out what others think of you. More importantly, in a Christian context.

I suppose part of the inspiration for this post comes from something I heard today that made me think about how Christians are perceived by the world as well as by other Christians. Another part of it comes from a TED talk I watched that made me think about knowing not necessarily only the truth, but more importantly, the different and multiple sides of reality.

Often, and especially in our times today, perceptions and judgements formed of others are quick and sometimes almost too immediate. First impressions, what we hear from others, what we like and dislike about another party. These are known to us, and to each his own. I, for one, know that I am super quick to jump to conclusions and judgements, and unfortunately, I have a strong tendency to stick to my initial impression, unless there is opportunity to otherwise change that impression. Which is not often either. Then there are also impressions formed of us by others. And in the same way, these can be formed quickly, and remain unchanged, depending on the other party, and also what you do in the following time.

But whether they are impressions formed by us or of us, there can be three general categories of responses:

1) Neutral effect (no effect?): Kind of in the middle, on the fence, nothing is thought much of the person. Perhaps a plain Jane, perhaps someone really quiet, but basically someone who doesn't really leave an impression.
2) Positive effect: This category of response generally encourages the person forming the impression to desire to emulate the other person in thought or in action; in essence, to want to be more like that person.
3) Negative effect: I would like to suggest that this category has a further 2 possible responses. You would either: a) want to avoid the person and all connections with him/her. You would desire nothing more than to have nothing to do with that person. Pride could creep in subconsciously at this point, when you think you are better. Or, on the other extreme, b) you feel ashamed of who you really are, and consciously hide things in fear of being judged by that person. Perhaps because he/she is so good, you feel like you can never reach a level similar to that.

Putting all these into a Christian perspective, there can be three general categories of responses that both Christians and non-Christians have of Christians.

1) Neutral: Nothing much can be said about this particular Christian. Maybe just a Sunday Christian, not super actively involved in Church or anywhere else, but doesn't really do anything that is judged or stereotyped, just one among many in the pews. Nothing spectacularly good, nor bad.
2) Positive: I myself have come across many Christians that have generated this kind of response in me, and I thank God for them. These people inspire me to want to walk closer to God, and they are proof that it is possible. They encourage me to be faithful in prayer, in my walk with God, to constantly think about God, and they show me the fruitfulness of a life that places God in the center, in first place. These people are, I believe, God's way of showing me that whatever limitations I think I may have are self-induced, and if others can do it with the help of the Holy Spirit, that same Spirit can help me too.
3) Negative: a) Firstly, the one with pride. I've been guilty of this countless times. Once I hear something 'bad' about a particular Christian, I would think, "Whoa. And you call yourself a Christian?". The irony is heart-wrenching when I realise it, but in the moment, more often than not, I'm overwhelmed by pride and the thought that 'I am so much better than this person who claims to be a Christian.' I forget that I am equally undeserving of the grace God gives and the love He shows, and I'm on a completely same level as that person in God's eyes. B) Secondly, the one with shame. I must say that in my personal experience, I haven't had an experience that has led to me being really ashamed of myself after forming an impression of someone else. Too much pride perhaps? There is always that initial feeling of insufficiency, but for me, that has always somehow turned into a motivation for me to strive to be better. So I cannot say that I understand this. But I guess the natural response might be to want to just move away for fear of being compared as a not-as-good Christian.

While the inside stuff is important, I think for a Christian, the message that you send to others is equally important. When another person sees you, whether believer or not, which category of impression is formed about you? For another Christian, do you, your words and your actions draw them closer to God or push them away, either because they don't want to be like you or because you give off the vibe that you're far too superior and they're not worthy of being of the same religion that you are? That they don't deserve to believe in the same God you believe in? That because they will never reach the level of spiritual maturity you're at (what is spiritual maturity anyway?), they should stop trying? For a non-believer, do you make them think about the reason behind the things you do? Do you make them ask about God, seeing you and your lifestyle (why would this person sacrifice so much of his/her time to do all these Christian-y stuff, and to what end?) and the way you treat others? Or do they see you as someone overly holy and untouchable because you seem to be shining glory rays out of your body, and all they can do is walk away ashamed?

What kind of image of Christ are we projecting to the world?

Are we bringing fellow Christians up or putting them down?

I'm not here to provide answers (I have none, thankfully), nor am I here to pass judgement. Heck, I don't even know if anyone is reading this. But as I reflect upon this, the more I reflect and think, the more aware I am that the gap between my thoughts and my actions couldn't be further. How I think I am portraying myself and how it is received by others is sometimes so much more different than I could ever imagine it to be. And I need to start being careful of that. Not to say that you should put up a mask or act as you otherwise normally would, but simply being more aware, having more discretion, being more sensitive, having more tact, could possibly go a long way.

For those of us who are guilty of jumping to conclusions quickly (as I am), no matter which conclusion, good or bad, this would be a good point to bring in the TED talk I mentioned earlier. In summary, the speaker talks about how people have only one strain of thought about a group of people, because often only one side of the story is presented. She talks about the danger of having only this one story of any group of people, and she says, (one of the most powerful lines in the talk, imo) "show a people as one thing, as only one thing, over and over again, and that is what they become". In the context of my post, it's about how our impressions of others can lead us to believe they are who we think they are, and over time, that is who they become to us, because that is who we believe they are. If there is anything I have learnt in my walk thus far, it is that we all have our own histories, our own struggles, our own successes. We each have our own roller coaster rides, and there is no other ride that has an identical path to our own. We all have our highs and lows, no matter how close our walk with God seems to be, no matter how far from God we appear to others.

I think one of the reasons we have these responses is because we are unable to be honest with others, and we hide things from each other. To be honest is to be vulnerable, and no one likes being vulnerable, because to be vulnerable means to lose control, and have no leverage. I personally have massive issues with vulnerability. I hate talking about my deepest, truest emotions, and only do so with my closest friends whom I know I can absolutely trust. And even having said that, I believe there is not one person in my life whom I tell everything to. I will tell various people various parts, but never the whole story of my emotions and thoughts and feelings to one person. And I only share parts of my story when I've reached my limits, when I feel like I can hold it in no longer. And in that, I suppose, I am guilty of contributing to the one story danger. If only I had the courage to be honest more often, to more people, to be able to trust more, to be willing to be vulnerable, knowing that no human judgement will come upon me, and even if there is, that there is no condemnation in that, only forgiveness.

There are different reasons for this resistance to openness, and I'm sure everyone has their own. But what is more important for me is what I'm going to do about it. And I think I would like to strive to be more honest and more vulnerable to the people around me. It's going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have attempted in my life, but hopefully it pays off!

And to start that process off, I want to be open about some of the struggles I've had as a Christian up until this point. Not to boast, nor to fish for compliments, but I think I come across as quite a strong and faithful Christian to some people, which, depending on their response, can either be healthy or unhealthy. I don't know whether to consider myself as a strong Christian or not (whatever that means), but I can say that I've had my own struggles, some of which I am currently battling with. My quiet times with God are of varying quality, lengths of time, and also frequency. My prayer life could afford to be much healthier; I sometimes find prayer a chore and tiring. My desires are often not the things of God, but the things of this world. I can be very concerned with what others think of me, although it also depends on who that other is. My Bible knowledge is awful, especially about the OT. I deal with major issues with pride, and I believe it is one of my biggest struggles in life. Often, God is not the center of my life, and I try to do things by myself and for myself, and Sunday morning, only Sunday and only the morning, (sometimes Saturday evening when there is cell) is God time. The rest of the week is pretty much Me time. Unless exams are around the corner.

I often question my motivations for my service in church. Am I serving because I want to please God, because it's the ministry to which He has called me, or is it because I want the attention, I want the feel to be needed and important, and I desire recognition for my abilities and qualities?

I struggle with relationship issues as well. I'm not as good a friend as people think I am; I am very self-centred and many times when I go out with friends, I wish I could just go back. I have had my questions about Christianity and have had moments of severe doubt about God and His existence, about the inconsistencies of the Bible, of God's character, of the things that are happening in this world in relation to God. I've had my fair share of questions about faith, my faith, more specifically, and just issue after issue about the credibility of Christianity and God. I cannot say that all my questions have been answered, neither can I say I worked hard at getting all of them. In fact, many of those questions remain unresolved, and I sometimes think about how I can continue living like that (morally inconsistent?!). I'm definitely not as holy as people think I am, and if there is anything positive people think of me, it really comes from God, because knowing myself, there is no way I could have been able to achieve those.

I think the bottom line is this: the next time you meet someone new, or hear something about someone, hold your opinions until you know the full story. I think this also helps people be more honest with each other - when you know that people don't judge and are open to having a full understanding of the big picture.

In the midst of all these, one thought came to mind: what is the most important at the end of the day? To put it another way, when you meet God at the pearly gates of Heaven, what would you like Him to say to you? I have my answer: that God would say to me, "Well done, good and faithful servant". I want to lead a life that is worthy of the sacrifice Christ did on the cross for me, a life that pleases God, a life that is a creation of God that did not go to waste. And with this in mind, hopefully, and prayerfully, I can be the sort of Christian who, when others look at her, will only have the second category of response, to the glory of God.

egg cracks

Last week, Darren gave a sermon on being sure of our identity in Christ and in his sermon, he showed the clip of Carly Rose Sonenclar’s X Factor audition clip, where she performed really well and received a standing ovation from all the judges and cheers and all. And he shared a very sobering thought of how nobody would applaud him in the same way because he will never be as good as she is, and the world will never recognize him because he has no exceptional or extraordinary talent. In the same way, I think many of us have similar sentiments and attitudes towards ourselves. For one, when I was watching the clip, I thought to myself, ‘I’ll never be as good as her’. And rightly so, because indeed, I don’t have an exceptional singing ability, and I will never be recognized by the world the same way that that 14 year old girl was.

Using that case, Darren went on to talk about how people are celebrated for their abilities and talents – what they can do – rather than who they are. But God celebrates us for who we are – His children – rather than what we can do (because apart from Him we can do nothing). The other day I was reflecting upon this line that he said, and it really does hold a lot of truth in it. In the eyes of the world, you are recognized for your ability and how well you are able to execute or accomplish something. No one really cares if you are actually kind and loving it’s what you can do. Then I wondered how often people are celebrated for who they are. And then it struck me: birthdays.

Birthdays are the once-a-year time when people can truly be celebrated for who they are. When we celebrate a birthday, we celebrate the birth and existence of the person – who he or she is – rather than the accomplishments and achievements. We celebrate their coming into this world, regardless of what they can or cannot do, and we show our appreciation of the birthday star. Not saying that you can’t celebrate any other time of the year; celebrations on a daily basis would be wonderful! But I guess birthdays give a legit and formal excuse for throwing a party and especially for remembering the significance of that person, and celebrating him or her on that date that person came into this earth.

My own attitudes of birthdays have changed throughout the years. I used to be big on my birthdays; really self-focused because it was ‘my day’. Even if my excitement levels dropped, it would still be about me. (Like even though I’ve only ever thrown one party in my life, all the other years was about what I was warranted to do because it’s my birthday privilege.) So I’m glad this year, plans are different, and the focus is off me and onto others. On the other hand, I’ve found birthdays of other people of varying significance, depending on how close that person was to me. If it was a really good friend, that day would be really special. If it was a mere acquaintance, ‘birthdays are just another day, it doesn’t matter; she’ll get another one next year’. But as I continue to reflect upon the idea of birthdays as a form of celebrating people for who they are, I think I can say that I’ve found a deeper and less superficial meaning of birthdays. It may indeed just be ‘another day’, but why waste the opportunity to celebrate someone for who they are, especially when you have the perfect reason to make it extra special?

bath thoughts

I know now's not best time of the semester to be doing a blog entry, but I figured it will be good to get some thoughts down in the midst of my planning process for the 21 good deeds I'm planning to do, so I suppose this sort of contributes to shaping it.

Today's Vanesa's birthday, really a very dear (not to mention long time) friend, and I dropped her a happy birthday text, and we got talking about celebrating birthdays, and she mentioned about my birthday plans and shared with me that there was this family that she visited with her cca that was really in quite a bad state, and said there are many other families like that who were in need and the financial help they receive isn't much either.

Which got me thinking about many, many, many things. Firstly, I was suddenly very aware of my selfishness. Sure, each of us suffer in our own ways, and we all have our own struggles. But when I really though about it, I realised how small my struggles and sufferings were in comparison to what some of the other people were facing. And it humbled me and made me realise how long more I have to go to truly learn compassion, and to be thankful for what I already have. It's so easy many times to slip into and wallow in self-pity, become bitter at how the world could go on when you feel so alone and upset, without realising that the struggles the people halfway across the city or street are facing are much more real than your own. I'm not saying we all throw away or overlook or ignore our hurts and pains, but I think it's important to view them in light of, in relation to what is happening around us. If I could loosely borrow Morrie's idea, detach yourself from self-pity and look beyond.

Secondly, I thought about the recent Boston marathon bombing. I remember waking up to the voiddecker's whatsapp group and the kids were asking Jan if she was okay and everything. Through the day, as I went on Facebook and Twitter, it was really interesting to see the contrast between the bombing and people going on with their everyday lives. Alex really put my thoughts into words, if I may borrow his status update, "FB is weird today. There are countless news posts of Boston, but there is also the usual nonsense "nobody gives a crap" posts in between making it a very interesting juxtaposition." On Twitter as well, there were strings of #prayforBoston tweets punctuated by other random tweets and retweets about completely unrelated matters. Well, on the surface it may seem like those who didn't post something about Boston are heartless or indifferent or something alone those lines, but practically speaking, how much help can mere words on social media do? But that's another topic altogether. My point here is, I think I myself was appalled at how normally life went on for those who were uninvolved in the incident. It was an internal struggle for me as well, and it was almost as though I had to make a decision on how I should feel. But one thing I knew I felt, I felt lost. I felt helpless. But it didn't necessarily make me sad. Nor did it make me mourn.

Just on the news as I was watching just now, there were updates on the investigation going on regarding the incident, and following that was a report on a 7.8M earthquake that hit Iran and a landslide that was triggered by the earthquake killed a woman.

I think for some, the bigger question might be, where is God in the face of all this? In the midst of the pain and suffering and bloodshed, how can a good God exist? How does one reconcile the evil (whether moral or natural; though I don't quite agree with the term 'natural evil'; it just doesn't make sense to me) with a supposedly good and loving God. A good and loving God would never allow all this to happen to the people He created and loved, because if He did, He wouldn't be good and loving anymore, but instead, sadistic and evil, desiring to watch His people suffer. Both Christians and non-Christians have for years struggled with this, myself included. I've read books and articles addressing the issue of suffering; suffering and evil were topics covered in youth alpha, yet there just doesn't seem to be a satisfactory answer for all this. Will we ever find reason for suffering? Of course there are possible answers. I personally quite enjoy Lee Strobel's response to the 2012 Colorado shooting because I think it does address some of the questions we have, but I know not everyone will be satisfied with his answers. For one, for those who disbelieve in the existence of God, the message will fly over their heads. But at least for me, it works.

I guess taking it from another perspective, instead of looking for God to take responsibility, the more practical question for Christians to ask is, how do we, in the midst of all this crisis, disasters, and sufferings, let the glory of God shine through us? How can we respond appropriately? How can we comfort and love? How can we praise God and exalt Him, so others see the faith that is in us and find hope?

There are no hard and fast answers, and thinking is a tiring process, as is the process of looking for answers. But I suppose the most important thing is to find your own answer and live it out in your life. This may take a lifetime (how then to live it out?) but as long as we're patient and teachable, I'm sure it will be revealed eventually in full, and we will be satisfied.

Prone to wander, Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

musings

was intending to do this post last night after dinner with meiyan and lipin, but as usual, i procrastinated and got distracted, so it's a day late, but nevertheless.

been thinking about various things that have happened lately, and i won't be explicit here (cos it's not the correct platform) but just about topics on the issue of religion, and more specifically, christianity.

the past couple of months have been interesting. i've spoken to various people about their views on christianity, and all these people come from different backgrounds. and it struck me how wide the range of types of christians there are. on the one hand, i see people who live their lives with pure childlike faith. not to say they dont think or question (i believe they face their own struggles in life), but rather that they choose to take God at his word and really just live by faith, whether it is listening out for what he has to say, reading the bible, coming together to pray, they are just so faithful in their endeavours for God, and their lives are really God-led all the way.

on the other end of the spectrum, there are those who question unceasingly, attempting to reconcile the inconsistencies found within the bible and also between the bible and the world, and when they cannot find a way to reconcile, they place their beliefs aside until something comes along to convince them otherwise.

and then there are those who are kinda like a mix of the two. they question to no end about the bible, about God, and various things, and can find no answer, but still decide to take God on in faith, not losing the hope found in him, nor forgetting the first love that was him.

then comes along another group of old, supposedly mature christians who have grown sick of the faith and who along the way, begin to realise their own shortcomings that seem to have come about as a result of the faith, and then fall away, not knowing if they will ever return.

reflecting upon all these it seems to be that christianity is such a depressing and hopeless thing. why believe in it? the evidence against it (or perhaps, lack of evidence for it) is so much more than the basis to belief in it. and yet we christians are still called to fulfil the Great Commission, and make disciples of all nations? in all honesty, if i were a non-christian, i would think think it's a load of bull. which is why i am so thankful for God's mercy and grace upon me (though one might beg to differ) for placing me where i am in my life, for surrounding me with plenty of good christian friends, and for his gift of the holy spirit. because there have been so many times in my life when i have failed to understand, but somehow the holy spirit grants me understanding, which although i may not be able to verbalise or express it well, i know that as long as i understand, its fine.

despite that, there are still so many questions floating around unanswered and unsettled. like, what is the purpose of prayer if God already has everything planned out? did God intentionally bring sin into the world? at the end of the day isn't God ultimately limited by his character and not free? and many more of the like. how can i keep on believing when i still have so many questions? how do i believe in a God whom i cannot comprehend, who hasnt given me concrete evidence that he exists, whom really might just be a figment of my desire for someone to be in ultimate control because i am not? how can i keep on being a christian? and yet i still am.

my conclusion? i dont have one. even now i still ponder over my faith. over whether or not i'm believing in something that's real, or something futile. i suppose i will choose to be foolish to believe in this something against all odds, something so irrational and seemingly impossible to believe in. my justification? well, soundly worldly enough, just to see where it ends. i will risk this and believe in the impossible and the irrational, and let God write the rest of it.

LOTS of work to do, but im procrastinating to the max. work just seems so mundane and uninteresting. there are so many other things i would like to do. like just sit in the library and read leisurely and not have to worry about deadlines and grades.

but then i think about it again. why do i have to worry about deadlines and grades? is not worrying a sin, because it shows our lack of faith in God? rather than be dismayed or discouraged, James says that we should rejoice in the face of trials and suffering, because that is God's way of testing our faith.

over the past couple of days the theme of suffering has been exceptionally recurrent. on sunday during worship, auntie maggie was just sitting a few pews in front of me, and i watched as she lifted her hands in praise, and i was just so awed by how even after everything had happened in her family, she's still able to praise God so wholeheartedly and without holding back or questioning. that faith that she has is really so pure and so refined, and so unlike mine.

and then it struck me, that perhaps, just perhaps, it's in the face of suffering that we draw nearer and nearer to God. well, there are two ways to respond to it. you can either be resentful against God and just keep asking why and be upset that things cannot be under your control, or you can recognise Christ as Lord, and that things cannot ever be under your control, and submit to the will of God. in the face of suffering the sovereignty of God is revealed, and it's a choice whether you want to see it and accept it or not.

and then sermon preached by rev gordon wong was on the exact same topic! he preached from joel, and the title was "in the face of calamity", and he spoke about how joel urges the people to return to God in their suffering because God is a vengeful God. joel can also be interpreted as how sufferings are a call from God for his people to return to him. many people think that sufferings are a result of the sins we commit, but instead, we should think of sufferings as a warning and a trumpet blast to return to God before the real punishment for our sins come.

then in bsf last night, we learnt about christian suffering, and i guess the overall message is that christians suffer for a higher purpose, and that it is in God's will for us to suffer, so rather than to look at it from a human perspective, we should rejoice that God is willing to allow us to suffer, and be thankful that he says he will never leave us in the times of our suffering, and he will live up to it.

it's much easier to fall away from the faith than to remain in it, as 1 peter says that there are 2/3 who will wither away, but the 1/3 left will continue to have their faith tested, refined, and purified through suffering and trials and temptations. the question now is, which third will i be in?

a simple post, but i'm hoping that this will give me a new perspective for this especially challenging week. the takeaway for myself is to think about how i can praise God in the face of all the trials and circumstances that i'm in, like how king david wrote the psalms while on the run.

from a reckless mind

thought a lot about many things today, but was inspired to write mainly on two topics.

thought about the meaning of words today, and how much depth they can convey, how they can be used as both weapons and also to comfort. for some reason, this year in particular i've been hurt by words a lot more compared to past years, or perhaps its because i've been more conscious of it this year. but at the same time i've also learnt the value of words.

i think it really takes a genius to be able to use words effectively, and for that reason i love poems and hymns that really pack a punch - so much depth and meaning so thoughtfully expressed and wrapped in minimal numbers of words. being able to say so much without saying much at all is something i really admire.

especially the meaning behind lyrics of songs. i realised that i've always been quite drunk on how pleasant the tune sounds, how soothing the voice is, sometimes how the tempo suits my emotions, other times even the length of the song. but hardly, hardly do i ever successfully have enough focus to listen and understand all the lyrics of a song. i just get so lost in the melody, and occasionally perhaps some nice, thoughtful phrases from the lyrics surface (particularly from the chorus) and seems appropriate to tweet.

i guess this is because melodies and tunes have the ability to make us feel certain emotions that we want to feel at certain times, and trying to listen out for lyrics is a lot more conscious, takes a lot more effort, and sometimes the diction of the singer is so bad we just give up. (case in point: having listened to the heart never lies by McFly for countless times, only tonight did i realise what he was singing in the first line of the song. imagine that!) it's also definitely easier to hum the tune which tends to be more memorable than to try and memorise all the lyrics.

unfortunately, and i am ashamed to admit, this applies for me to worship songs as well. though i can say i am more familiar with lyrics of worship songs compared to secular songs, i still tend to lose myself in the tunes of the songs and emotions that sometimes overwhelm. and it's really easy to get that emotional high confused with real spirituality. it's a struggle to stay alert be able to differentiate the two, and to worship in a holy manner, because it just feels so good to be on that emotional high. and that's something you can't get when you're fully conscious of yourself. but i suppose the more important thing to note for worship is the motive - for what reason do i worship in the first place? if it's for me to 'feel' something, then that's self-centred worship, which is really paganism and idolatry of myself. it i look forward to worship for some form of self-benefit, then i think it would be much safer not to worship at all.

it's so difficult to find moments nowadays when the lack or absence of words means so much more. people like to talk. so much. which isn't a bad thing. but there are those who really dont know when to stop. they talk too much. definitely just personal opinion, but the moments when two (or more) people can just be quiet together are the most precious. and mind you, not an awkward kind of silence, but knowing that there's more to having a relationship or a friendship than just conversing with words. you dont have to prove anything.

i think one of the few cartoons that really left quite an impact on me was up, the segment of the show when they show ellie and carl growing up, dating, getting married, growing old, all without script. no words at all, save for the part when they first met. 90% of their time spent together was able to be shown and expressed without a single syllable. how amazing is that.

i guess today i learnt this: there is beauty in words, and beauty without words.

i thought also about being in L.O.V.E. okay, i wouldnt say i'm the most experienced with relationships or being infatuated with someone. while i think i give pretty decent relationship advice to friends, i must also admit that i act like an idiot when i have feelings for someone. and when i step out and evaluate my actions and thoughts and behaviour, i wonder how we're one and the same person. it's really quite incredible how having feelings for a person can change someone so much.

it came to mind today that it's so difficult being in love, liking someone, and pining for that person. from personal experience at least, it's awfully tough trying to be level-headed and cope with your feelings and emotions. the most difficult part for me (surprisingly, for some reason) is admitting to myself that i like the person. i dont get why though. i suppose because my own impression of myself isn't someone who likes other people easily, so when i actually do, i'm pretty shocked and at a loss as to what to do with myself.

so then the question was, if being in love is so difficult, why do people still want to be in love, have crushes and infatuations and be in all these strange emotional states? what on earth is up with this curious attraction for another party? well i guess one reason is that if and when you do have feelings for someone, it's something that can come quite unexpectedly and just sweeps you off your feet and takes you by surprise. it's something you cannot control (contrary to some belief that you can 'choose' to stop liking someone, i dont believe so). in my opinion the most you can do is to try to get over the person, but you cannot just simply say "tomorrow i will stop liking him/her" and expect that to happen. chances are, you will probably think of the person the first thing when you wake up in the morning. as many artists and lyricist have very aptly phrased it, "can't help falling in love".

but reflecting upon my own experiences, i think a more core and human reason is perhaps how being in love - that fluttery, air-headed feeling - makes people feel alive. you get a myriad of emotions from being in love - from euphoric to depressed. you really feel a range of emotions and this adds colour to the mundane lives of people, gives it a twist, spices it up a little, and helps people to live. it also teaches people how to think for and about other people, how to look beyond themselves and consider others, and also to get a different perspective on themselves (sometimes). i think there is a lot to learn when you fall in love. you learn to experience and identify new emotions, some perhaps you've never experienced before. you learn to cope with those feelings (at times even raging hormones), you learn what it feels like to force yourself to grow up. you learn what it means to really care for someone else. you learn self control and how to restrict yourself from doing stupid things. you surprise yourself with unexpected actions for the other, and you get a glimpse into another possible 'you'.

well, it's been some time since i last posted. and i think this is quite substantial to last for some more time? ah, as and when the inspiration (and motivation) comes i suppose. activation energy is terribly high these days - must be something to do with age.

and the lilies of the field

been able to have very meaningful conversations the past week, especially yesterday and today. really love spending quality time with people and talking about stuff that matter. although of course it's debatable as to what is considered 'stuff that matter', but i suppose things that aren't frivolous or superficial? when you're able to go deep into conversation, talking about personal things and feelings, thoughts and opinions and viewpoints. always a joy to be able to hold conversations like that.

and then the thought came to me: i've mellowed down so incredibly much especially over the past year. i dont know if it's cos of thailand, or perhaps age catching up with me, but i've just been so calm lately and able to take things rationally and objectively. i'm a lot less hot headed than i used to be, and i actually stop to think now. maybe it's got something to do with being in uni? i dont know.

and then there's the realisation that hit me the other day, and this thought has been recurring over the past couple of weeks. i haven't got many friends whom i can really go so deep into conversation with. but at the same time, i feel incredibly blessed that i've got these friends. and the amount of time i've known them all vary. some i've known all my life, others barely a year. i guess this is why people have fewer and fewer friends as they grow older. you just see the friends worth keeping and friends not. and i suppose it's not a bad thing. for me, i want to be able to spend more quality time with each of them.

last night,

i thought a lot. i mean, i usually think a lot (i think i do anyway), but last night was a different kind of thinking. i'm not quite sure how to put it into words, but there was revelation last night, as well as conviction. it's been a long time since i last thought about things so earnestly and sincerely and meaningfully, and im glad i was able to, and that i did.

it will be a true faith journey starting now. i'm not expecting it to be easy, and i've had to make some very, very difficult and tough decisions to consciously let go of the things that are standing in my way of developing my relationship with the Lord, and i'm also pretty sure that there will come that time when i'm faced with the temptation to give up, and just take the easy way out. this may also result in me feeling this entire thing is meaningless, and just stop halfway. i can't say that these definitely won't happen. and i cannot say i know that the Lord will definitely be there beside me to help me out and everything, because there may come the moment when i doubt, and start to question excessively, and with my already lack of faith, i don't know how i will come to terms with that.

in fact, i don't even know how things will turn out. and i will be honest and say that i'm extremely apprehensive at this stage in whether or not i will be able to press on. but i suppose part of the reason that God has called me to making this decision is to increase my faith. so knowing that there may be a chance i may turn away, i'm gonna consciously try and increase my faith, put it in the Lord, and let Him deal with it.

last night was a terrible night emotionally. but at the same time it also helped me realise 1) how little faith i have, 2) how i'm really not what i think i am, and 3) how i've been asking the wrong questions. i don't know if it was due to the lack of sleep, or the amount of teaching that i had to do during cell, or the news that i received after cell, (perhaps a combination or culmination of all 3?) but it was the first time i felt tired in this way. really drained and helpless. and i guess this is probably what nic means when he says that he tires himself out so that he has to rely on God rather than himself. i could identify with it (not saying i endorse it though), and i guess i do need to be more emphathising and compassionate. try to put myself in the other person's shoes and try to understand from their perspective. i used to be able to do this. to be able to really understand and also give allowance for the opinions and behaviours of other people. i wonder when i started to become so critical and disapproving.

anyhow, i've still got a few issues i need to settle before next month. more decisions to make, more to pray and think about, and lots of heart preparation as well. i don't know if i'm making too a big a deal out of this, but it's a major struggle for me. but well, i've committed it fully to the Lord, and i'm just going to listen out for Him, and allow Him to use me.

it's gonna be a wild ride.

backflow

so things turned out rather unexpectedly today.

skipping to the main highlights of the day, had lunch with ex-HOW and it was a really good time of catching up. i think for us, although we didn't start off as the strongest or closest bunch, and our inertia like omega high, but we go a long way man. and the word that i think really really describes us is 'stable'. yeah. i think there's no more appropriate word. and i was just thinking, it's been about 4 and a half years since we started out as a cell, but the experiences that we've shared and times we've been through together have been SO much. to the extent that we're forgetting what happened when hahah. like seriously, the number of sleepovers, the number of movies, the number of dinners, the random things that happened. it's just been nothing short of amazing. i guess my only regret is that all this didnt happen earlier. and it was only when we really started getting closer then there was a change in cells. but today's lunch really brought back memories. it was good just being able to spend time with each other, talking, laughing, listening to each other's stories and discussing our lives. it's all so much more meaningful now.

after lunch we headed over to awfully chocolate where 5 of us shared one slice of cake and one scoop of ice cream. cheapskate max man hahaha. then i got kidnapped by sien and isaac hahah and we went in search of a place to sit and talk at i12katong, but couldn't find anywhere, so we walked over to parkway (since isaac also wanted to get a cd) and spent the longest time at gramophone waiting for sien and ended up at cedele. again.

it's always such a joy talking to the two of them, and it's interesting how God decided to use the two of them together to lead the same cell. and i'm also very thankful that they always jio me to go talk with them. always enjoy listening to their conversations; i always feel more educated and enlightened after listening to them, and there's always something to take away from their conversations. it's terribly exciting, though it can be very challenging at times, but to me, it's a lot more meaningful than the frivolous daily conversations. and yeah, i really appreciate that.

so we spent ages just talking, and talked and talked and just kept talking. i think if we were all holidaying and had the time we would never have stopped talking. hahah. brought back memories of that night in thailand in that coffee shop where the three of us just sat and talked.

in a very brief summary, today was a good day filled with meaningful conversation and time spent well.((: and i'm grateful for that.

unfinished

been back for about a week, and well, just been adapting back to singapore life and getting my days packed. i think i need to actually start applying some of the lessons i picked up from thailand to my life here in singapore, if not spending 2 months in thailand maciam like wasted.

so for the past week that i've been back i've had a decent balance of human interaction as well as time for myself. went for sushi party with the vders immediately on the night of my return, went for combined cell on sunday, went for invest on monday (managed to catch up quite a bit with lianne), had salad's surprise on wednesday, went for lunch at cacio e pepe with the foodies on thursday, then had breakfast with jiap and jessica, lunch with bryan and dinner with john on friday, and then fusion tonight. hm okay maybe a bit more human interaction than i desired, but i took a walk on wednesday night and it was a good time of reflection. i should make it a weekly habit. and i had tuesday to myself as well, so i guess that was good.

i realised that time here in singapore passes so quickly because my days are all packed and i've got something on almost everyday. but in thailand there is just so much time to myself and i think i got a little bit too used to it hahha so trying to get back used to the life here is taking more effort than i expected. it's surprisingly draining for me, more so than previously, but i suppose it has to do with the people as well? idk. different cultures, different experiences.

i'm trying to meet up with people as much as i can for the rest of the hols, especially people who i wont get to see in school, and also the cell kids. it's sometimes really so tiring just to plan a meetup with the kids, cos they've got exams coming up so i dont want to disturb them, but i dont wanna wait till their o's are over cos that's gonna be a bit..long. idk. i guess i should just try and meet as many as possible? but then i dont wanna shortchange the others whom i dont meet up with. ohh myyyy. who ever knew taking up a cell had so many other things attached to it./:

in terms of spiritual life, God has been revealing the most unexpected (but powerful) things in the most unexpected (but curious) ways. it's been interesting hearing from God; the next step is to take action and actually do something about it. there are so many other personal things that i need to get down in black and white, but i dont think i'll do it here. for some reason i feel this is so public although i dont think anyone comes. i feel like the paranoid parrot from 9gag hahahahha.

breathing (still_)

MY GOODNESS. i havent blogged at all this entire year! and i didnt realise as well. anyway, i realised that although i dont think anyone reads this antique thing, once in a while people might come across it (like how i did with another today O:) so better be careful with what i'm writing. hahah anyway this is just proof that i'm still alive and i'm still keeping this blog alive. i'll do a reeeely proper update for my time here in chiang mai when i get back to singapore.