last night,

i thought a lot. i mean, i usually think a lot (i think i do anyway), but last night was a different kind of thinking. i'm not quite sure how to put it into words, but there was revelation last night, as well as conviction. it's been a long time since i last thought about things so earnestly and sincerely and meaningfully, and im glad i was able to, and that i did.

it will be a true faith journey starting now. i'm not expecting it to be easy, and i've had to make some very, very difficult and tough decisions to consciously let go of the things that are standing in my way of developing my relationship with the Lord, and i'm also pretty sure that there will come that time when i'm faced with the temptation to give up, and just take the easy way out. this may also result in me feeling this entire thing is meaningless, and just stop halfway. i can't say that these definitely won't happen. and i cannot say i know that the Lord will definitely be there beside me to help me out and everything, because there may come the moment when i doubt, and start to question excessively, and with my already lack of faith, i don't know how i will come to terms with that.

in fact, i don't even know how things will turn out. and i will be honest and say that i'm extremely apprehensive at this stage in whether or not i will be able to press on. but i suppose part of the reason that God has called me to making this decision is to increase my faith. so knowing that there may be a chance i may turn away, i'm gonna consciously try and increase my faith, put it in the Lord, and let Him deal with it.

last night was a terrible night emotionally. but at the same time it also helped me realise 1) how little faith i have, 2) how i'm really not what i think i am, and 3) how i've been asking the wrong questions. i don't know if it was due to the lack of sleep, or the amount of teaching that i had to do during cell, or the news that i received after cell, (perhaps a combination or culmination of all 3?) but it was the first time i felt tired in this way. really drained and helpless. and i guess this is probably what nic means when he says that he tires himself out so that he has to rely on God rather than himself. i could identify with it (not saying i endorse it though), and i guess i do need to be more emphathising and compassionate. try to put myself in the other person's shoes and try to understand from their perspective. i used to be able to do this. to be able to really understand and also give allowance for the opinions and behaviours of other people. i wonder when i started to become so critical and disapproving.

anyhow, i've still got a few issues i need to settle before next month. more decisions to make, more to pray and think about, and lots of heart preparation as well. i don't know if i'm making too a big a deal out of this, but it's a major struggle for me. but well, i've committed it fully to the Lord, and i'm just going to listen out for Him, and allow Him to use me.

it's gonna be a wild ride.

backflow

so things turned out rather unexpectedly today.

skipping to the main highlights of the day, had lunch with ex-HOW and it was a really good time of catching up. i think for us, although we didn't start off as the strongest or closest bunch, and our inertia like omega high, but we go a long way man. and the word that i think really really describes us is 'stable'. yeah. i think there's no more appropriate word. and i was just thinking, it's been about 4 and a half years since we started out as a cell, but the experiences that we've shared and times we've been through together have been SO much. to the extent that we're forgetting what happened when hahah. like seriously, the number of sleepovers, the number of movies, the number of dinners, the random things that happened. it's just been nothing short of amazing. i guess my only regret is that all this didnt happen earlier. and it was only when we really started getting closer then there was a change in cells. but today's lunch really brought back memories. it was good just being able to spend time with each other, talking, laughing, listening to each other's stories and discussing our lives. it's all so much more meaningful now.

after lunch we headed over to awfully chocolate where 5 of us shared one slice of cake and one scoop of ice cream. cheapskate max man hahaha. then i got kidnapped by sien and isaac hahah and we went in search of a place to sit and talk at i12katong, but couldn't find anywhere, so we walked over to parkway (since isaac also wanted to get a cd) and spent the longest time at gramophone waiting for sien and ended up at cedele. again.

it's always such a joy talking to the two of them, and it's interesting how God decided to use the two of them together to lead the same cell. and i'm also very thankful that they always jio me to go talk with them. always enjoy listening to their conversations; i always feel more educated and enlightened after listening to them, and there's always something to take away from their conversations. it's terribly exciting, though it can be very challenging at times, but to me, it's a lot more meaningful than the frivolous daily conversations. and yeah, i really appreciate that.

so we spent ages just talking, and talked and talked and just kept talking. i think if we were all holidaying and had the time we would never have stopped talking. hahah. brought back memories of that night in thailand in that coffee shop where the three of us just sat and talked.

in a very brief summary, today was a good day filled with meaningful conversation and time spent well.((: and i'm grateful for that.

unfinished

been back for about a week, and well, just been adapting back to singapore life and getting my days packed. i think i need to actually start applying some of the lessons i picked up from thailand to my life here in singapore, if not spending 2 months in thailand maciam like wasted.

so for the past week that i've been back i've had a decent balance of human interaction as well as time for myself. went for sushi party with the vders immediately on the night of my return, went for combined cell on sunday, went for invest on monday (managed to catch up quite a bit with lianne), had salad's surprise on wednesday, went for lunch at cacio e pepe with the foodies on thursday, then had breakfast with jiap and jessica, lunch with bryan and dinner with john on friday, and then fusion tonight. hm okay maybe a bit more human interaction than i desired, but i took a walk on wednesday night and it was a good time of reflection. i should make it a weekly habit. and i had tuesday to myself as well, so i guess that was good.

i realised that time here in singapore passes so quickly because my days are all packed and i've got something on almost everyday. but in thailand there is just so much time to myself and i think i got a little bit too used to it hahha so trying to get back used to the life here is taking more effort than i expected. it's surprisingly draining for me, more so than previously, but i suppose it has to do with the people as well? idk. different cultures, different experiences.

i'm trying to meet up with people as much as i can for the rest of the hols, especially people who i wont get to see in school, and also the cell kids. it's sometimes really so tiring just to plan a meetup with the kids, cos they've got exams coming up so i dont want to disturb them, but i dont wanna wait till their o's are over cos that's gonna be a bit..long. idk. i guess i should just try and meet as many as possible? but then i dont wanna shortchange the others whom i dont meet up with. ohh myyyy. who ever knew taking up a cell had so many other things attached to it./:

in terms of spiritual life, God has been revealing the most unexpected (but powerful) things in the most unexpected (but curious) ways. it's been interesting hearing from God; the next step is to take action and actually do something about it. there are so many other personal things that i need to get down in black and white, but i dont think i'll do it here. for some reason i feel this is so public although i dont think anyone comes. i feel like the paranoid parrot from 9gag hahahahha.

breathing (still_)

MY GOODNESS. i havent blogged at all this entire year! and i didnt realise as well. anyway, i realised that although i dont think anyone reads this antique thing, once in a while people might come across it (like how i did with another today O:) so better be careful with what i'm writing. hahah anyway this is just proof that i'm still alive and i'm still keeping this blog alive. i'll do a reeeely proper update for my time here in chiang mai when i get back to singapore.