I don’t make the best love decisions.
Let’s see… my first proper crush was a jock who could never
love me back. He only got close to me because I was close to this other girl he
had a crush on. The whole time he was
just leading me on and using me. And I was too blind to see it.
The second guy was a really decent guy. Well, to be fair, I
didn’t actually like him or anything. But he checked all the boxes. And he was
and still remains a really good and close friend. He’s engaged now. Good for
him.
There were guys I respected as well. Few, but existent. But
I didn’t really develop crushes on them.
And then there was this one guy. Perhaps the best of the
lot. He was… nearly perfect. Until today, I don’t know what I like about him.
But he challenges me. He makes me want to be better. He also ticks all my
boxes. And he is someone who will always have a special place in my heart.
And then there was this Catholic guy. I didn’t like him, per
se, but perhaps I was being quite flirty and leading him on. He confessed to
me, and then didn’t make a move, and then got attached, which made me feel
terrible because I felt like I didn’t get the chance to reject him. I still
deeply treasure him but I am so afraid to approach him. I don’t even maintain
the friendship now, which I honestly feel is a waste. I don’t quite know what
to do.
And then, I fell in love with a married man. He started out
a colleague, aAnd then he became a really good friend. He was someone who
challenged me to be better, who got me, whom I had great chemistry with, and who accepted me without judgement. I could be honest with him, and him with me. But he
was married. To be fair, I never thought I would fall for him. It was
impossible from the start. He had a girlfriend. I told everyone he was my ideal type, except that he was attached. And then he got married to that
girlfriend. But then get this. His wife cheated on him. And then all the
possibilities started floating into my mind. Which is so wrong. I love him, and
I love his wife, with all my heart. But when the possibility of annulment or
divorce surfaced, my mind started to drift. This was in spite of the fact that I
knew he would never fall for me. And this was something I thought would never
happen. I’m not prepared for this! But I have fallen in love with a married
man.
