Sunday, May 22, 2016

train musings: social media curating

Was suddenly inspired by this thought as i was thinking about certain things to tweet or not tweet, when i realised that for me, twitter is a place where i can (or used to be able to) put my thoughts openly, whether negative or positive. It is an outlet for me especially when i get upset, and it is like a pensieve of sorts, where i dump certain trains of thought for the moment to pick them up and continue mulling over them at a later point. 

This led me to realise how i exert a lot of negative energy on twitter, but it shows who i am, and there is far less of a filter compared to the things i post on facebook. Or, well, this used to be the case anyway. Perhaps it is time to rethink the followers.


Anyway, on the other hand, instagram is a place where only happy memories exist. Only the good things are put on instagram. For me at least. But this is not because of the followers that i have, because i have none. Perhaps it is because pictures are generally associated with good and/or happy memories. As i scroll through my own instagram posts, there is not one that is representative of a negative emotion. On twitter, the opposite is true.


Which then led me to think about the social media characters and personalities people curate for themselves. To put across a certain image, to exhibit certain qualities you possess through the activities you partake in, to have people form a certain impression of you. This scares me very, very much. Which is perhaps why instagram needs to remain private. Absolutely private. And this is also perhaps why it is much better to follow cats on instagram than people.

Friday, February 19, 2016

train musings: nostalgia

there are many things that i miss.

i miss the days in mgs. there is a deep, deep sense of loss, knowing that I will never be able to return to those days and experience those memories ever again. i miss being in class, sitting through lessons and trying not to fall asleep. i miss planning school events, being involved in various activities. i miss drama, and rehearsals, and the thrill when the production youve been working on for so long finally opens its first show. i miss mgs terribly.

talking to someone today who has been posted to mgs has made me miss it even more. or at least, it made me realise how much i miss it. what wouldnt i give to, for one day, return to those days.

i miss acjc. i miss the long hours we spent in school doing council activities. i miss studying in the void deck with the dearest of friends. i miss the mgs friends who came up to ac together and that sense of familiarity and camaraderie.

i miss the days spent with geog friends. i miss when we could hang out without a care in the world. i miss when all these interesting personalities came together and erupted into something extremely magical. though it was short-lived, it was intense.

i miss all these things that i will never again be able to have.

this train ride has been a very emotional one.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

train musings: friendships

in a bid to surf less of social media while on the train, i decided to spend some time in my head. then the thoughts that came i felt compelled to write down. ironically, on social media.

friendship is something that weighs heavily on my mind. it always have, and i think it always will. im intrigued by friendship. what holds two people together? why are some friendships stronger and more intimate than others? what defines a friendship, more than a social contract? is it, at the end of the day, just another form of relationship? what sets friendships apart from romantic relationships? do we all need friends?

the past 1.5 years these issues have been more pertinent than ever, because of the sudden influx of new people in my life. at what point can i call these new people friends? should i be so ready to accept them as friends? should i so eagerly commit to invest in them emotionally and trust in their persons? what happens if not long after, we dont talk to each other anymore, simply because the bonds never grew deep? would my investment have gone to waste then?

friendships baffle me. i yearn for deep friendships, and i detest shallow ones which are driven by motive. but at the same time i know i am guilty of the latter (although i wouldnt necessarily call these people my friends; theyre kinda just convenient). it becomes increasingly difficult to navigate and negotiate friendships later in life, because people are political, people know who they are and what they are looking for in a relationship, and they know what they want from people. which makes it intimidating, because wild thoughts and questions go flying across my mind. what if im not "good enough" for this person whom i wanna befriend really badly? (yes, these thoughts do still come) what if this person hates me? i guess its scary cuz it shows us sides of ourselves we dont want to accept. it forces us to face rejection. and people naturally turn away from rejection.

the people ive been spending most of my time with lately are mostly new friends. arguably, im spending time with them because of circumstances, but i would be lying if i said i didnt choose to spend more time than required with them, or that i didnt enjoy the time i spend with them. and i must admit, there were particular people i wasnt too keen on acquainting myself with, but having gotten to know them, the feelings are just as intense, except, thankfully, on the opposite end of the spectrum.

to be called a friend by someone is truly a gift, and i am immensely thankful to those who have come into my life and who call me friend. especially as i reflect on my multiple character flaws and find myself terribly unlikeable. but friends have written and spoken some of the kindest words to me, and i am deeply thankful. i started out wanting to write about my insecurities regarding friendship, and this is something i struggle with almost on a daily basis. but perhaps for today, i will choose to be filled with gratitude for these friends i dont deserve to have, but that have chosen me, and who have put up with me and embrace me, whether for less than a year, 5 years, or 10 years and beyond.

i have a friend writing a thesis on friendships. i am excited to read it and have some new perspective on this.