Death always makes me slow down.
It makes me pause and ponder.
It makes me look and observe.
It makes me think and reflect.
It makes me worry and appreciate.
It makes me cry, but it also brings comfort.
It makes me mourn, but it also makes me celebrate.
It's surreal, but there's nothing more definite than death.
Received really bad and sad news today, and I'm a lot more affected than I should be. But I don't know why. I suppose whenever something bad happens, I'm forced to really just slow down and take account of my life. Usually I can handle it pretty well, but this time I think it's just a build up of everything that has happened in the past week.
Death is something really hard to come to terms with. It's really like, the final stop. The final moment. After someone dies, you never ever get to see that person again. Not physically anyway. It's so hard to cope with it. And memories of that person just kinda, live on. But you're never gonna see him or her again. And then you wonder, what did I do with my time when that person was still around? And then you realise, I need to make use of my time now with whoever who's still around. But over time, you lose steam, and it's back to square one. And perhaps another death occurs, and the cycle repeats.
I don't suppose we will ever learn from this. Death can be so sudden, and it just drives you into a state of shock. There's suddenly this wave of emptiness, and that's that. Until you recover from it. I think this time round, it's really the suddenness that hit me so badly. We just take the people around us for granted so much, and I don't think we realise the extent of it until they're gone. If I think about it now, is there anyone, if he or she died tomorrow, whom I would have been able to let go peacefully because I know that I spent my time with them well on this earth? I can't say for sure. And I don't know if I'll ever be able to.
It's a really lonely night tonight.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Tuesday, October 08, 2013
it's been awhile
Prompted to blog today. Possibly because I have to start a new blog for one of the modules this semester, so while I'm at it, I'm gonna try sneaking some thoughts in (or maybe because of a comment someone made O:).
Thinking a little about perceptions today.
From varying viewpoints. What you think of others, what others think of you, and what happens when you find out what others think of you. More importantly, in a Christian context.
I suppose part of the inspiration for this post comes from something I heard today that made me think about how Christians are perceived by the world as well as by other Christians. Another part of it comes from a TED talk I watched that made me think about knowing not necessarily only the truth, but more importantly, the different and multiple sides of reality.
Often, and especially in our times today, perceptions and judgements formed of others are quick and sometimes almost too immediate. First impressions, what we hear from others, what we like and dislike about another party. These are known to us, and to each his own. I, for one, know that I am super quick to jump to conclusions and judgements, and unfortunately, I have a strong tendency to stick to my initial impression, unless there is opportunity to otherwise change that impression. Which is not often either. Then there are also impressions formed of us by others. And in the same way, these can be formed quickly, and remain unchanged, depending on the other party, and also what you do in the following time.
But whether they are impressions formed by us or of us, there can be three general categories of responses:
1) Neutral effect (no effect?): Kind of in the middle, on the fence, nothing is thought much of the person. Perhaps a plain Jane, perhaps someone really quiet, but basically someone who doesn't really leave an impression.
2) Positive effect: This category of response generally encourages the person forming the impression to desire to emulate the other person in thought or in action; in essence, to want to be more like that person.
3) Negative effect: I would like to suggest that this category has a further 2 possible responses. You would either: a) want to avoid the person and all connections with him/her. You would desire nothing more than to have nothing to do with that person. Pride could creep in subconsciously at this point, when you think you are better. Or, on the other extreme, b) you feel ashamed of who you really are, and consciously hide things in fear of being judged by that person. Perhaps because he/she is so good, you feel like you can never reach a level similar to that.
Putting all these into a Christian perspective, there can be three general categories of responses that both Christians and non-Christians have of Christians.
1) Neutral: Nothing much can be said about this particular Christian. Maybe just a Sunday Christian, not super actively involved in Church or anywhere else, but doesn't really do anything that is judged or stereotyped, just one among many in the pews. Nothing spectacularly good, nor bad.
2) Positive: I myself have come across many Christians that have generated this kind of response in me, and I thank God for them. These people inspire me to want to walk closer to God, and they are proof that it is possible. They encourage me to be faithful in prayer, in my walk with God, to constantly think about God, and they show me the fruitfulness of a life that places God in the center, in first place. These people are, I believe, God's way of showing me that whatever limitations I think I may have are self-induced, and if others can do it with the help of the Holy Spirit, that same Spirit can help me too.
3) Negative: a) Firstly, the one with pride. I've been guilty of this countless times. Once I hear something 'bad' about a particular Christian, I would think, "Whoa. And you call yourself a Christian?". The irony is heart-wrenching when I realise it, but in the moment, more often than not, I'm overwhelmed by pride and the thought that 'I am so much better than this person who claims to be a Christian.' I forget that I am equally undeserving of the grace God gives and the love He shows, and I'm on a completely same level as that person in God's eyes. B) Secondly, the one with shame. I must say that in my personal experience, I haven't had an experience that has led to me being really ashamed of myself after forming an impression of someone else. Too much pride perhaps? There is always that initial feeling of insufficiency, but for me, that has always somehow turned into a motivation for me to strive to be better. So I cannot say that I understand this. But I guess the natural response might be to want to just move away for fear of being compared as a not-as-good Christian.
While the inside stuff is important, I think for a Christian, the message that you send to others is equally important. When another person sees you, whether believer or not, which category of impression is formed about you? For another Christian, do you, your words and your actions draw them closer to God or push them away, either because they don't want to be like you or because you give off the vibe that you're far too superior and they're not worthy of being of the same religion that you are? That they don't deserve to believe in the same God you believe in? That because they will never reach the level of spiritual maturity you're at (what is spiritual maturity anyway?), they should stop trying? For a non-believer, do you make them think about the reason behind the things you do? Do you make them ask about God, seeing you and your lifestyle (why would this person sacrifice so much of his/her time to do all these Christian-y stuff, and to what end?) and the way you treat others? Or do they see you as someone overly holy and untouchable because you seem to be shining glory rays out of your body, and all they can do is walk away ashamed?
What kind of image of Christ are we projecting to the world?
Are we bringing fellow Christians up or putting them down?
I'm not here to provide answers (I have none, thankfully), nor am I here to pass judgement. Heck, I don't even know if anyone is reading this. But as I reflect upon this, the more I reflect and think, the more aware I am that the gap between my thoughts and my actions couldn't be further. How I think I am portraying myself and how it is received by others is sometimes so much more different than I could ever imagine it to be. And I need to start being careful of that. Not to say that you should put up a mask or act as you otherwise normally would, but simply being more aware, having more discretion, being more sensitive, having more tact, could possibly go a long way.
For those of us who are guilty of jumping to conclusions quickly (as I am), no matter which conclusion, good or bad, this would be a good point to bring in the TED talk I mentioned earlier. In summary, the speaker talks about how people have only one strain of thought about a group of people, because often only one side of the story is presented. She talks about the danger of having only this one story of any group of people, and she says, (one of the most powerful lines in the talk, imo) "show a people as one thing, as only one thing, over and over again, and that is what they become". In the context of my post, it's about how our impressions of others can lead us to believe they are who we think they are, and over time, that is who they become to us, because that is who we believe they are. If there is anything I have learnt in my walk thus far, it is that we all have our own histories, our own struggles, our own successes. We each have our own roller coaster rides, and there is no other ride that has an identical path to our own. We all have our highs and lows, no matter how close our walk with God seems to be, no matter how far from God we appear to others.
I think one of the reasons we have these responses is because we are unable to be honest with others, and we hide things from each other. To be honest is to be vulnerable, and no one likes being vulnerable, because to be vulnerable means to lose control, and have no leverage. I personally have massive issues with vulnerability. I hate talking about my deepest, truest emotions, and only do so with my closest friends whom I know I can absolutely trust. And even having said that, I believe there is not one person in my life whom I tell everything to. I will tell various people various parts, but never the whole story of my emotions and thoughts and feelings to one person. And I only share parts of my story when I've reached my limits, when I feel like I can hold it in no longer. And in that, I suppose, I am guilty of contributing to the one story danger. If only I had the courage to be honest more often, to more people, to be able to trust more, to be willing to be vulnerable, knowing that no human judgement will come upon me, and even if there is, that there is no condemnation in that, only forgiveness.
There are different reasons for this resistance to openness, and I'm sure everyone has their own. But what is more important for me is what I'm going to do about it. And I think I would like to strive to be more honest and more vulnerable to the people around me. It's going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have attempted in my life, but hopefully it pays off!
And to start that process off, I want to be open about some of the struggles I've had as a Christian up until this point. Not to boast, nor to fish for compliments, but I think I come across as quite a strong and faithful Christian to some people, which, depending on their response, can either be healthy or unhealthy. I don't know whether to consider myself as a strong Christian or not (whatever that means), but I can say that I've had my own struggles, some of which I am currently battling with. My quiet times with God are of varying quality, lengths of time, and also frequency. My prayer life could afford to be much healthier; I sometimes find prayer a chore and tiring. My desires are often not the things of God, but the things of this world. I can be very concerned with what others think of me, although it also depends on who that other is. My Bible knowledge is awful, especially about the OT. I deal with major issues with pride, and I believe it is one of my biggest struggles in life. Often, God is not the center of my life, and I try to do things by myself and for myself, and Sunday morning, only Sunday and only the morning, (sometimes Saturday evening when there is cell) is God time. The rest of the week is pretty much Me time. Unless exams are around the corner.
I often question my motivations for my service in church. Am I serving because I want to please God, because it's the ministry to which He has called me, or is it because I want the attention, I want the feel to be needed and important, and I desire recognition for my abilities and qualities?
I struggle with relationship issues as well. I'm not as good a friend as people think I am; I am very self-centred and many times when I go out with friends, I wish I could just go back. I have had my questions about Christianity and have had moments of severe doubt about God and His existence, about the inconsistencies of the Bible, of God's character, of the things that are happening in this world in relation to God. I've had my fair share of questions about faith, my faith, more specifically, and just issue after issue about the credibility of Christianity and God. I cannot say that all my questions have been answered, neither can I say I worked hard at getting all of them. In fact, many of those questions remain unresolved, and I sometimes think about how I can continue living like that (morally inconsistent?!). I'm definitely not as holy as people think I am, and if there is anything positive people think of me, it really comes from God, because knowing myself, there is no way I could have been able to achieve those.
I think the bottom line is this: the next time you meet someone new, or hear something about someone, hold your opinions until you know the full story. I think this also helps people be more honest with each other - when you know that people don't judge and are open to having a full understanding of the big picture.
In the midst of all these, one thought came to mind: what is the most important at the end of the day? To put it another way, when you meet God at the pearly gates of Heaven, what would you like Him to say to you? I have my answer: that God would say to me, "Well done, good and faithful servant". I want to lead a life that is worthy of the sacrifice Christ did on the cross for me, a life that pleases God, a life that is a creation of God that did not go to waste. And with this in mind, hopefully, and prayerfully, I can be the sort of Christian who, when others look at her, will only have the second category of response, to the glory of God.
Thinking a little about perceptions today.
From varying viewpoints. What you think of others, what others think of you, and what happens when you find out what others think of you. More importantly, in a Christian context.
I suppose part of the inspiration for this post comes from something I heard today that made me think about how Christians are perceived by the world as well as by other Christians. Another part of it comes from a TED talk I watched that made me think about knowing not necessarily only the truth, but more importantly, the different and multiple sides of reality.
Often, and especially in our times today, perceptions and judgements formed of others are quick and sometimes almost too immediate. First impressions, what we hear from others, what we like and dislike about another party. These are known to us, and to each his own. I, for one, know that I am super quick to jump to conclusions and judgements, and unfortunately, I have a strong tendency to stick to my initial impression, unless there is opportunity to otherwise change that impression. Which is not often either. Then there are also impressions formed of us by others. And in the same way, these can be formed quickly, and remain unchanged, depending on the other party, and also what you do in the following time.
But whether they are impressions formed by us or of us, there can be three general categories of responses:
1) Neutral effect (no effect?): Kind of in the middle, on the fence, nothing is thought much of the person. Perhaps a plain Jane, perhaps someone really quiet, but basically someone who doesn't really leave an impression.
2) Positive effect: This category of response generally encourages the person forming the impression to desire to emulate the other person in thought or in action; in essence, to want to be more like that person.
3) Negative effect: I would like to suggest that this category has a further 2 possible responses. You would either: a) want to avoid the person and all connections with him/her. You would desire nothing more than to have nothing to do with that person. Pride could creep in subconsciously at this point, when you think you are better. Or, on the other extreme, b) you feel ashamed of who you really are, and consciously hide things in fear of being judged by that person. Perhaps because he/she is so good, you feel like you can never reach a level similar to that.
Putting all these into a Christian perspective, there can be three general categories of responses that both Christians and non-Christians have of Christians.
1) Neutral: Nothing much can be said about this particular Christian. Maybe just a Sunday Christian, not super actively involved in Church or anywhere else, but doesn't really do anything that is judged or stereotyped, just one among many in the pews. Nothing spectacularly good, nor bad.
2) Positive: I myself have come across many Christians that have generated this kind of response in me, and I thank God for them. These people inspire me to want to walk closer to God, and they are proof that it is possible. They encourage me to be faithful in prayer, in my walk with God, to constantly think about God, and they show me the fruitfulness of a life that places God in the center, in first place. These people are, I believe, God's way of showing me that whatever limitations I think I may have are self-induced, and if others can do it with the help of the Holy Spirit, that same Spirit can help me too.
3) Negative: a) Firstly, the one with pride. I've been guilty of this countless times. Once I hear something 'bad' about a particular Christian, I would think, "Whoa. And you call yourself a Christian?". The irony is heart-wrenching when I realise it, but in the moment, more often than not, I'm overwhelmed by pride and the thought that 'I am so much better than this person who claims to be a Christian.' I forget that I am equally undeserving of the grace God gives and the love He shows, and I'm on a completely same level as that person in God's eyes. B) Secondly, the one with shame. I must say that in my personal experience, I haven't had an experience that has led to me being really ashamed of myself after forming an impression of someone else. Too much pride perhaps? There is always that initial feeling of insufficiency, but for me, that has always somehow turned into a motivation for me to strive to be better. So I cannot say that I understand this. But I guess the natural response might be to want to just move away for fear of being compared as a not-as-good Christian.
While the inside stuff is important, I think for a Christian, the message that you send to others is equally important. When another person sees you, whether believer or not, which category of impression is formed about you? For another Christian, do you, your words and your actions draw them closer to God or push them away, either because they don't want to be like you or because you give off the vibe that you're far too superior and they're not worthy of being of the same religion that you are? That they don't deserve to believe in the same God you believe in? That because they will never reach the level of spiritual maturity you're at (what is spiritual maturity anyway?), they should stop trying? For a non-believer, do you make them think about the reason behind the things you do? Do you make them ask about God, seeing you and your lifestyle (why would this person sacrifice so much of his/her time to do all these Christian-y stuff, and to what end?) and the way you treat others? Or do they see you as someone overly holy and untouchable because you seem to be shining glory rays out of your body, and all they can do is walk away ashamed?
What kind of image of Christ are we projecting to the world?
Are we bringing fellow Christians up or putting them down?
I'm not here to provide answers (I have none, thankfully), nor am I here to pass judgement. Heck, I don't even know if anyone is reading this. But as I reflect upon this, the more I reflect and think, the more aware I am that the gap between my thoughts and my actions couldn't be further. How I think I am portraying myself and how it is received by others is sometimes so much more different than I could ever imagine it to be. And I need to start being careful of that. Not to say that you should put up a mask or act as you otherwise normally would, but simply being more aware, having more discretion, being more sensitive, having more tact, could possibly go a long way.
For those of us who are guilty of jumping to conclusions quickly (as I am), no matter which conclusion, good or bad, this would be a good point to bring in the TED talk I mentioned earlier. In summary, the speaker talks about how people have only one strain of thought about a group of people, because often only one side of the story is presented. She talks about the danger of having only this one story of any group of people, and she says, (one of the most powerful lines in the talk, imo) "show a people as one thing, as only one thing, over and over again, and that is what they become". In the context of my post, it's about how our impressions of others can lead us to believe they are who we think they are, and over time, that is who they become to us, because that is who we believe they are. If there is anything I have learnt in my walk thus far, it is that we all have our own histories, our own struggles, our own successes. We each have our own roller coaster rides, and there is no other ride that has an identical path to our own. We all have our highs and lows, no matter how close our walk with God seems to be, no matter how far from God we appear to others.
I think one of the reasons we have these responses is because we are unable to be honest with others, and we hide things from each other. To be honest is to be vulnerable, and no one likes being vulnerable, because to be vulnerable means to lose control, and have no leverage. I personally have massive issues with vulnerability. I hate talking about my deepest, truest emotions, and only do so with my closest friends whom I know I can absolutely trust. And even having said that, I believe there is not one person in my life whom I tell everything to. I will tell various people various parts, but never the whole story of my emotions and thoughts and feelings to one person. And I only share parts of my story when I've reached my limits, when I feel like I can hold it in no longer. And in that, I suppose, I am guilty of contributing to the one story danger. If only I had the courage to be honest more often, to more people, to be able to trust more, to be willing to be vulnerable, knowing that no human judgement will come upon me, and even if there is, that there is no condemnation in that, only forgiveness.
There are different reasons for this resistance to openness, and I'm sure everyone has their own. But what is more important for me is what I'm going to do about it. And I think I would like to strive to be more honest and more vulnerable to the people around me. It's going to be one of the hardest things I'll ever have attempted in my life, but hopefully it pays off!
And to start that process off, I want to be open about some of the struggles I've had as a Christian up until this point. Not to boast, nor to fish for compliments, but I think I come across as quite a strong and faithful Christian to some people, which, depending on their response, can either be healthy or unhealthy. I don't know whether to consider myself as a strong Christian or not (whatever that means), but I can say that I've had my own struggles, some of which I am currently battling with. My quiet times with God are of varying quality, lengths of time, and also frequency. My prayer life could afford to be much healthier; I sometimes find prayer a chore and tiring. My desires are often not the things of God, but the things of this world. I can be very concerned with what others think of me, although it also depends on who that other is. My Bible knowledge is awful, especially about the OT. I deal with major issues with pride, and I believe it is one of my biggest struggles in life. Often, God is not the center of my life, and I try to do things by myself and for myself, and Sunday morning, only Sunday and only the morning, (sometimes Saturday evening when there is cell) is God time. The rest of the week is pretty much Me time. Unless exams are around the corner.
I often question my motivations for my service in church. Am I serving because I want to please God, because it's the ministry to which He has called me, or is it because I want the attention, I want the feel to be needed and important, and I desire recognition for my abilities and qualities?
I struggle with relationship issues as well. I'm not as good a friend as people think I am; I am very self-centred and many times when I go out with friends, I wish I could just go back. I have had my questions about Christianity and have had moments of severe doubt about God and His existence, about the inconsistencies of the Bible, of God's character, of the things that are happening in this world in relation to God. I've had my fair share of questions about faith, my faith, more specifically, and just issue after issue about the credibility of Christianity and God. I cannot say that all my questions have been answered, neither can I say I worked hard at getting all of them. In fact, many of those questions remain unresolved, and I sometimes think about how I can continue living like that (morally inconsistent?!). I'm definitely not as holy as people think I am, and if there is anything positive people think of me, it really comes from God, because knowing myself, there is no way I could have been able to achieve those.
I think the bottom line is this: the next time you meet someone new, or hear something about someone, hold your opinions until you know the full story. I think this also helps people be more honest with each other - when you know that people don't judge and are open to having a full understanding of the big picture.
In the midst of all these, one thought came to mind: what is the most important at the end of the day? To put it another way, when you meet God at the pearly gates of Heaven, what would you like Him to say to you? I have my answer: that God would say to me, "Well done, good and faithful servant". I want to lead a life that is worthy of the sacrifice Christ did on the cross for me, a life that pleases God, a life that is a creation of God that did not go to waste. And with this in mind, hopefully, and prayerfully, I can be the sort of Christian who, when others look at her, will only have the second category of response, to the glory of God.
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