Saturday, September 29, 2012

from a reckless mind

thought a lot about many things today, but was inspired to write mainly on two topics.

thought about the meaning of words today, and how much depth they can convey, how they can be used as both weapons and also to comfort. for some reason, this year in particular i've been hurt by words a lot more compared to past years, or perhaps its because i've been more conscious of it this year. but at the same time i've also learnt the value of words.

i think it really takes a genius to be able to use words effectively, and for that reason i love poems and hymns that really pack a punch - so much depth and meaning so thoughtfully expressed and wrapped in minimal numbers of words. being able to say so much without saying much at all is something i really admire.

especially the meaning behind lyrics of songs. i realised that i've always been quite drunk on how pleasant the tune sounds, how soothing the voice is, sometimes how the tempo suits my emotions, other times even the length of the song. but hardly, hardly do i ever successfully have enough focus to listen and understand all the lyrics of a song. i just get so lost in the melody, and occasionally perhaps some nice, thoughtful phrases from the lyrics surface (particularly from the chorus) and seems appropriate to tweet.

i guess this is because melodies and tunes have the ability to make us feel certain emotions that we want to feel at certain times, and trying to listen out for lyrics is a lot more conscious, takes a lot more effort, and sometimes the diction of the singer is so bad we just give up. (case in point: having listened to the heart never lies by McFly for countless times, only tonight did i realise what he was singing in the first line of the song. imagine that!) it's also definitely easier to hum the tune which tends to be more memorable than to try and memorise all the lyrics.

unfortunately, and i am ashamed to admit, this applies for me to worship songs as well. though i can say i am more familiar with lyrics of worship songs compared to secular songs, i still tend to lose myself in the tunes of the songs and emotions that sometimes overwhelm. and it's really easy to get that emotional high confused with real spirituality. it's a struggle to stay alert be able to differentiate the two, and to worship in a holy manner, because it just feels so good to be on that emotional high. and that's something you can't get when you're fully conscious of yourself. but i suppose the more important thing to note for worship is the motive - for what reason do i worship in the first place? if it's for me to 'feel' something, then that's self-centred worship, which is really paganism and idolatry of myself. it i look forward to worship for some form of self-benefit, then i think it would be much safer not to worship at all.

it's so difficult to find moments nowadays when the lack or absence of words means so much more. people like to talk. so much. which isn't a bad thing. but there are those who really dont know when to stop. they talk too much. definitely just personal opinion, but the moments when two (or more) people can just be quiet together are the most precious. and mind you, not an awkward kind of silence, but knowing that there's more to having a relationship or a friendship than just conversing with words. you dont have to prove anything.

i think one of the few cartoons that really left quite an impact on me was up, the segment of the show when they show ellie and carl growing up, dating, getting married, growing old, all without script. no words at all, save for the part when they first met. 90% of their time spent together was able to be shown and expressed without a single syllable. how amazing is that.

i guess today i learnt this: there is beauty in words, and beauty without words.

i thought also about being in L.O.V.E. okay, i wouldnt say i'm the most experienced with relationships or being infatuated with someone. while i think i give pretty decent relationship advice to friends, i must also admit that i act like an idiot when i have feelings for someone. and when i step out and evaluate my actions and thoughts and behaviour, i wonder how we're one and the same person. it's really quite incredible how having feelings for a person can change someone so much.

it came to mind today that it's so difficult being in love, liking someone, and pining for that person. from personal experience at least, it's awfully tough trying to be level-headed and cope with your feelings and emotions. the most difficult part for me (surprisingly, for some reason) is admitting to myself that i like the person. i dont get why though. i suppose because my own impression of myself isn't someone who likes other people easily, so when i actually do, i'm pretty shocked and at a loss as to what to do with myself.

so then the question was, if being in love is so difficult, why do people still want to be in love, have crushes and infatuations and be in all these strange emotional states? what on earth is up with this curious attraction for another party? well i guess one reason is that if and when you do have feelings for someone, it's something that can come quite unexpectedly and just sweeps you off your feet and takes you by surprise. it's something you cannot control (contrary to some belief that you can 'choose' to stop liking someone, i dont believe so). in my opinion the most you can do is to try to get over the person, but you cannot just simply say "tomorrow i will stop liking him/her" and expect that to happen. chances are, you will probably think of the person the first thing when you wake up in the morning. as many artists and lyricist have very aptly phrased it, "can't help falling in love".

but reflecting upon my own experiences, i think a more core and human reason is perhaps how being in love - that fluttery, air-headed feeling - makes people feel alive. you get a myriad of emotions from being in love - from euphoric to depressed. you really feel a range of emotions and this adds colour to the mundane lives of people, gives it a twist, spices it up a little, and helps people to live. it also teaches people how to think for and about other people, how to look beyond themselves and consider others, and also to get a different perspective on themselves (sometimes). i think there is a lot to learn when you fall in love. you learn to experience and identify new emotions, some perhaps you've never experienced before. you learn to cope with those feelings (at times even raging hormones), you learn what it feels like to force yourself to grow up. you learn what it means to really care for someone else. you learn self control and how to restrict yourself from doing stupid things. you surprise yourself with unexpected actions for the other, and you get a glimpse into another possible 'you'.

well, it's been some time since i last posted. and i think this is quite substantial to last for some more time? ah, as and when the inspiration (and motivation) comes i suppose. activation energy is terribly high these days - must be something to do with age.