in a bid to surf less of social media while on the train, i decided to spend some time in my head. then the thoughts that came i felt compelled to write down. ironically, on social media.
friendship is something that weighs heavily on my mind. it always have, and i think it always will. im intrigued by friendship. what holds two people together? why are some friendships stronger and more intimate than others? what defines a friendship, more than a social contract? is it, at the end of the day, just another form of relationship? what sets friendships apart from romantic relationships? do we all need friends?
the past 1.5 years these issues have been more pertinent than ever, because of the sudden influx of new people in my life. at what point can i call these new people friends? should i be so ready to accept them as friends? should i so eagerly commit to invest in them emotionally and trust in their persons? what happens if not long after, we dont talk to each other anymore, simply because the bonds never grew deep? would my investment have gone to waste then?
friendships baffle me. i yearn for deep friendships, and i detest shallow ones which are driven by motive. but at the same time i know i am guilty of the latter (although i wouldnt necessarily call these people my friends; theyre kinda just convenient). it becomes increasingly difficult to navigate and negotiate friendships later in life, because people are political, people know who they are and what they are looking for in a relationship, and they know what they want from people. which makes it intimidating, because wild thoughts and questions go flying across my mind. what if im not "good enough" for this person whom i wanna befriend really badly? (yes, these thoughts do still come) what if this person hates me? i guess its scary cuz it shows us sides of ourselves we dont want to accept. it forces us to face rejection. and people naturally turn away from rejection.
the people ive been spending most of my time with lately are mostly new friends. arguably, im spending time with them because of circumstances, but i would be lying if i said i didnt choose to spend more time than required with them, or that i didnt enjoy the time i spend with them. and i must admit, there were particular people i wasnt too keen on acquainting myself with, but having gotten to know them, the feelings are just as intense, except, thankfully, on the opposite end of the spectrum.
to be called a friend by someone is truly a gift, and i am immensely thankful to those who have come into my life and who call me friend. especially as i reflect on my multiple character flaws and find myself terribly unlikeable. but friends have written and spoken some of the kindest words to me, and i am deeply thankful. i started out wanting to write about my insecurities regarding friendship, and this is something i struggle with almost on a daily basis. but perhaps for today, i will choose to be filled with gratitude for these friends i dont deserve to have, but that have chosen me, and who have put up with me and embrace me, whether for less than a year, 5 years, or 10 years and beyond.
i have a friend writing a thesis on friendships. i am excited to read it and have some new perspective on this.
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